Parts of Life

It's hard not to let it all consume you. Sometimes, when it is quiet and unexpected, tears will threaten to fill your eyes and your heart. It is all you can do to keep from letting them spill out. The sadness can easily become overwhelming and consume you. The unavoidable sensation of helplessness will latch on before you know what hit you. The next thing you know, you are swimming in it all; not sure what to say or do. Not sure how to help or if you even can.

It's hard not to throw your anger up to the sky and let thoughts of injustice fill your mind. Why? It just isn't fair. How is it possible? There is just too much...too many questions that don't have good answers. Questions that shouldn't have to be asked.

Spunky is back in the hospital. She was admitted Monday to start chemo again. The test results came back and she has 80% blast in her bone marrow. Her cancer is back. Her mother is having a hard time dealing with it all along with caring for their new baby that just arrived on June 21st. What mother wouldn't have a hard time seeing her child go through this? Twice.

The information about Spunky was followed by a difficult week of news about Uncle Kevin. He and his wife decided to tell the kids the severity of his situation. His new tumor is growing. It is in a location that is extremely difficult to operate on. They explained that he is currently trying one of two treatments they have left available to him. This treatment is a very hard hitting chemo. If it doesn't work, their next option is to try radiation again...that option has its own risks associated with it and may not turn out to be much of an option at all. The next step after that, if nothing works and there are no miracles, is...daddy will die.

Tears rolled down my cheek as I read the email describing how the kids were dealing with it all. I couldn't help it when they shared how the youngest (just turned 4 a couple weeks ago) asked "When will he go to heaven?" and then if "Daddy will jump on the clouds with Jesus?". He seemed to take it pretty well until later when he asked, "When will Daddy come home?". It is hard to be honest and challenge that innocence. As you can tell, their family is religious. I hope it comforts them when they need it. I hope it finds them some answers.

I'm pretty pissed off at the Universe right now. And I'm sad for the good people affected by all of this. I try to focus on the good, happy things in my life; then I can forget for a little while. When the daily routine of life settles down, it gets quiet at night and I find myself awake. In those brief moments of silence when it seems the whole world might be asleep, my heart breaks a little. The tears well up in my heart and I start to feel helpless again.

All of this happens and yet we move on. We get up, we get dressed, we go to work, we live. It is such a surreal feeling. I live on and try to figure out how to help when I know I can't. Life just moves on.