Broken

How do you start writing something like this? It is difficult for me to know the best way to express what has happened and how I feel about it. I guess "broken" is the most simple way right now.

On January 26th Hubbs and I met at the doctor's office for our (almost) 20 week ultrasound. This was the big one. The one where we hoped to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. The night before Hubbs and I briefly debated whether or not we were really sure we wanted to know. We contemplated waiting, but in the end Hubbs' curiosity won out. We'd decided to find out the sex if the doctor was able to tell us. I wish that's how things had gone...

Instead we found out on January 26th that something was wrong. Very wrong. I was in shock listening to the doctor's words and seeing both his and the ultrasound technician's faces. Unfortunately the doctor on hand couldn't tell us too many specifics while we were there. Instead he referred us to a specialist. That specialist agreed to squeeze us in the following evening even though he was booked. We spent the next 30 hours agonizing over the possibilities of what that appointment would mean for us.

After 3 long hours of drinking water, waiting, meeting with the genetic counselor, waiting, and waiting that Wednesday night, the specialist confirmed all our worst fears. We were not going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We were not going to have our baby at all.

The next few days were a whirlwind of appointments, doctors, nurses, authorizations, and waiting rooms. There were also a lot of tears. When it was all over, a week later, I was back home and no longer pregnant. Instead of a baby growing inside of me, I have a broken heart.

On Friday it will one month from that first appointment. One month from the date everything changed for us. Tomorrow it will be three weeks from my surgery. Three weeks. Everything is a matter of time now. A matter of time before I heal physically...a matter of time before I walk by the baby's room and don't feel that twinge of sadness anymore...a matter of time before I stop feeling this heaviness in my chest and the tears dry up completely.

It's been difficult and we are doing the best we can to cope. I never expected something like this to happen five months in to the pregnancy. I had the misconception that once I passed the three month mark I was safe. I was obviously wrong. There were no signs of problems before that ultrasound. All prior tests came back normal. We couldn't have known everything would change. It is just life and we have to deal with it.

Our family and friends have been very supportive and we are equally appreciative. It's hard to know the right words to say for something like this and we don't expect anyone to have them. It's just nice to know that people are there for us if and when we need them. We'll heal in time and one day we won't feel so broken.