Broken

How do you start writing something like this? It is difficult for me to know the best way to express what has happened and how I feel about it. I guess "broken" is the most simple way right now.

On January 26th Hubbs and I met at the doctor's office for our (almost) 20 week ultrasound. This was the big one. The one where we hoped to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. The night before Hubbs and I briefly debated whether or not we were really sure we wanted to know. We contemplated waiting, but in the end Hubbs' curiosity won out. We'd decided to find out the sex if the doctor was able to tell us. I wish that's how things had gone...

Instead we found out on January 26th that something was wrong. Very wrong. I was in shock listening to the doctor's words and seeing both his and the ultrasound technician's faces. Unfortunately the doctor on hand couldn't tell us too many specifics while we were there. Instead he referred us to a specialist. That specialist agreed to squeeze us in the following evening even though he was booked. We spent the next 30 hours agonizing over the possibilities of what that appointment would mean for us.

After 3 long hours of drinking water, waiting, meeting with the genetic counselor, waiting, and waiting that Wednesday night, the specialist confirmed all our worst fears. We were not going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We were not going to have our baby at all.

The next few days were a whirlwind of appointments, doctors, nurses, authorizations, and waiting rooms. There were also a lot of tears. When it was all over, a week later, I was back home and no longer pregnant. Instead of a baby growing inside of me, I have a broken heart.

On Friday it will one month from that first appointment. One month from the date everything changed for us. Tomorrow it will be three weeks from my surgery. Three weeks. Everything is a matter of time now. A matter of time before I heal physically...a matter of time before I walk by the baby's room and don't feel that twinge of sadness anymore...a matter of time before I stop feeling this heaviness in my chest and the tears dry up completely.

It's been difficult and we are doing the best we can to cope. I never expected something like this to happen five months in to the pregnancy. I had the misconception that once I passed the three month mark I was safe. I was obviously wrong. There were no signs of problems before that ultrasound. All prior tests came back normal. We couldn't have known everything would change. It is just life and we have to deal with it.

Our family and friends have been very supportive and we are equally appreciative. It's hard to know the right words to say for something like this and we don't expect anyone to have them. It's just nice to know that people are there for us if and when we need them. We'll heal in time and one day we won't feel so broken.

Merry Ho-Ho and All That Jazz

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a great New Year! It was a nice time for me and the family. Quiet for the most part, but good. I got to see my Auntie who flew in from St. Louis and my sister surprised us by driving out from AZ to spend Christmas day with everyone. NYE was spent with my boys hanging out at a friend's house toasting in 2010 with sparkling cider. (Maybe next year I'll get the real stuff!)

Things with the Nugget are moving along as planned. I've finally broken down and purchased some preggie pants to accommodate the spread. I'm 16 weeks along now and things look good. I should get my results from the AFP screening tests at the next appointment if everything looks normal. They'll call me in sooner if it doesn't. Towards the end of the month we might be able to find out if it is a boy or a girl (if it is cooperating during the ultra-sound). We'll see!

Oh, and for those who are wondering...Lil Man is still alive. ;) I think (hope) we've got things worked out. He's got another week off from school so Hubbs and I get another break too. Next week we'll start back to school and see how we all survive. :)

I still don't have pictures to post of my big ass because I still have to locate my USB cord for the camera. Soon my batteries will be dead and it won't matter. :/ I've got to finish unpacking those boxes...

Good with the Bad

I went to the lady doctor a few months ago to check and make sure all my plumbing was in good working order. During our conversation about my cycle (and other stuff you don't want to read about) he asked if I was planning to get pregnant. I told him that I probably was going to at some point, but we weren't charting or anything like that. Then he asked me how old my son was. When I told him Lil Man was 13 he asked me if I was there to see him for a psyche consult. We had a good laugh when he said that. I agreed that I probably should see somebody because I must be crazy to consider starting all over.

Today was a day I'm sure I should have checked my brain to see what the hell I was thinking. :/

Lil Man is every bit of 13 years old and it is driving me nuts. I know it is a temporary insanity situation and I'll get my sweet, loving boy back in a few years but HOLY CRAP he's making it hard for me to not shake him. Can I get an Amen from anyone who's dealt with these little crazies in their lifetime?

I think our hormones are clashing. This could get ugly if the boy doesn't manage to control his peach fuzz lip growin' ass. He left the house in a foul mood this morning and refused to get a ride to school with either me or Hubbs. Long story short, he wound up walking to school.

Apparently the day got worse. By 2:00 this afternoon he wound up suspended from school until Tuesday. Great. Awesome.

Is it wrong to want to drive to Mexico and never come back? I could have the baby under an assumed name like Maria Consuelo and name it Juan Carlos or Juanita. No one would ever know where we went and we could live in a peaceful village near the ocean. *sigh*

Did I mention the in-laws are in town this weekend? Perfect timing. I can't even yell at the boy properly because I'll have an audience. My in-laws are awesome people and help us out tremendously so I'm not complaining that they are here. I just wish I could deal with this without 4 extra eyeballs and 2 sets of ears monitoring how it all goes.

I wonder if the doctor would laugh now?

Already?!

This morning I realized that my wardrobe is already becoming a bit of a problem. I've scaled down to about 3 or 4 pairs of pants I can wear comfortably to work without wondering if I'm cutting off the circulation to the lower half of my body. I haven't gained that much weight yet, but I'm spreading like Country Crock on a warm muffin.

It's too soon for this. I think... Gimme a break-it's been a while since I've done this so I don't remember all the details. From what I remember I didn't have to buy bigger clothes until I was about 5 months along the first time. Then again...I was only 19. Things were tighter, and higher, back then. Everything was smaller. *sigh*

This is only the beginning.

Son of a...

Has it really been almost 6 months since I posted last??! Yikes. I'm lame. I've had so much to share and write about too. There is really no excuse. Well, I have them but who really cares. Right? I want to blog and (hopefully) you want me to blog it.

Let me tell you the biggest news and we can go from there.

First off, Hubbs and I finally have a piece of the American Pie (Dream, whatever) and have purchased our very own house. :) Yipee! It seems almost surreal that we actually did it after all these years of wanting to be homeowners. I had honestly given up thinking it could happen for us. I am happy to have been wrong about that.

Now, don't get me wrong. Our little piece of pie is no mansion. It's a small abode with potential for the future. We can put some elbow grease in to it and hopefully use it as a stepping stone to becoming further in debt for a bigger house a few years down the road. ;) For now, I'll work on making this house a home for us.

So, our little casa has 4 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, a cute little brick walkway in the front, and a could-be-decent-someday backyard. It also has a 2 (very small car) garage and a semi covered patio with ceiling fans outside. Now that my computer is working at home, I can upload some pictures to share with you all. (Yeah, all 3 of you who are still reading my posts. Ha!) Until then you'll just have to imagine what it looks like.

What to do with all those rooms?? Don't be fooled. Old houses do not have ample closet space or large rooms. This house was built in '62 and has a host of spacing problems. Mostly the lack of, but that is OK. It is still bigger than our apartment was. :) We'll have to do some maneuvering to make it comfortable, but we'll do our best. We definitely have had one of the rooms decided for us, however.

It's going to be a NURSERY!! That's right my blogging buddies. The R household will be welcoming a new little nugget in to the world. We are definitely happy about it (now that some of the shock has worn off a bit). :) I'll attempt to answer the usual questions up front:

-I'm due in June. June 23rd if you ask the sonogram technician and June 19th if you ask the nurse practitioner. I'm going with the 6/23 date since the sonogram tech was able to see our nugget and measure it. Wednesday will be 12 weeks for those who are counting.

-I'm feeling pretty good over all. I have not puked and, thankfully, any nausea I experience is usually in the afternoon or evening.

-Lil Man is pretty excited to be a big brother. He's been asking me for a little brother or sister since he was about 3 or 4 years old. He's 13 now. Better late than never?

-Yes, we are going to find out what it is. Hubbs can't wait. Since this is his first time, I defer to him for this. :)

-We were kind of planning it, but then not at all. Things happen when you least expect it.

-I don't care if I have a boy or a girl. Either way I'll be happy as long as it doesn't look like this dude from Yo Gabba Gabba. (And I promise not to bowl cut the kid like Dora either). Hubbs says he wants a girl because he would love to have a little me running around the house. I say he has no idea what he's asking for and he's foolishly in love to make that comment. :) Lil Man has requested a brother. We'll see who gets what they want. They've got a 50/50 shot. :)

I think that's all I've got for now. If you've got more questions for me, feel free to ask away. I'll be happy to answer what I can.

For those of you who will actually read this post, thanks for sticking with me. I know this was a long post but hopefully it was worth a little of the wait. I will do better and I will post more updates. I will also, eventually, read to catch up on my favorite bloggers. I missed you!!