I think I'm coming to the realization that I am doomed to lead a fairly normal existence on this Earth. This thought has been creeping up on me for some time, but as I move more firmly into my 30s it's becoming more and more apparent. I am going to be normal. I am normal. This thought hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when my son asked, "When are you going to be your own boss and have your business?"
I will not be much of anything in my professional and financial life. I don't know if owning up to this makes me relieved or just angry. The expectation to amount to something is removed if I know this, but it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about it. I never wanted to just go through life, but I don't seem to have done much else up to now. I've survived through difficult stuff, but that's not the same as doing something.
I will never have a million dollars. I will never have a career that is enlightening, important, or prestigious. I'll never be a business owner or creator of a million dollar idea that is news worthy even in the local paper. I'll be lucky to find a job that doesn't drive me insane after a few years and will give me a decent enough nugget of retirement money at the end of my working life so I don't have to eat cat food.
It's very unlikely that we'll be able to afford a house during any time frame that will matter in relation to having a family. Lil Man will be 12 soon and I'm pretty sure that he'll never know the joys of having his own back yard to play in unless it's by his own means at a later age. Realistically it seems that our choice will have to be either more children or buy a house. Unfortunately it doesn't appear feasible, for us, to have both. And really, I don't know that owning a home is going to matter much after everyone is all grown up and gone.
I always thought that I would do something special or important in life. I guess I bought in to that line your parents always feed you. I knew I was going to go to college, get a good job, be my own boss some day, make a lot of money, and buy a house for my family. I was going to make my family proud to talk about me to their friends and be wealthy. I was going to set it up so my kid or kids would be able to go to college and start their lives with a little ease. Well, I guess I got the college thing down for me. What happened to the rest?
Now what? How can I just be normal and let that be OK when I've been dreaming big dreams for 20 years? I know I'm not old by any means, but life gets to a point where certain possibilities become less and less likely. I could buy a lottery ticket and hope against hope that it'll matter, but I know better than that. So what then?
All I can do is hope that I will be someone or something extraordinary to the people who matter to me. I guess I'll have to figure out a way to make normal feel less...disheartening. I was going to be someone important and remembered in life. I am going to have to be OK with being someone important and remembered on a different level in life. And hope that's enough.
14 comments:
You are extraordinary to the people who know and love you.
Ditto what Weemo said. You're not giving yourself enough credit.
i was basically going to say the same as weemo. your friends and family are never going to see you as just "normal." just not the way these things work, you know? you're a great person with many talents and lots of love to share with others. :)
exactly what the monkey said.
i've been feeling the same way lately. one thing i'm concluding is that the important thing is to do the best with what i've been given for the people [i've been given and whom] i love and love me. i fear success, failure, and mediocrity all at the same time.
Aren't you giving up a little early? How do you know you'll never be a business owner or creator of a million dollar idea? How do you know you won't have a career that is enlightening, important, or prestigious? You have a lot of living left to do, and things change in the blink of an eye, especially when you devote yourself to things.
Your dreams will only come true if you continue to believe they will.
i consider myself extremely lucky and very, very proud to know you. you are a truly wonderful mother, wife, and friend - and that's a whole lot more than i can say for a lot of people.
there's a whole lot of folks who love you, me included :)
I echo everyone's sentiments - you're already extraordinary in so many ways. :)
And as Daddy Dan noted, it's never too late to do something big. Check this out: http://boomers.msn.com/articleMORE.aspx?cp-documentid=413535
Aha - you are forgetting the legacy you are leaving behind. By raising your son to be a thoughtful, caring, compassionate individual you are doing more for the world than any multi-billion dollar business idea ever could. In fact, if more people raised wonderful children instead of apathetic brats this world would be a far better place.
Put less emphasis on the material things in life - house, money, careers, and more emphasis on the things that really matter home, family, internal strength. Everything else can be taken away in a moment, but those things will stay with you forever.
Kate is right on home slice. I feel ya on the Normalcy feelings and even the bitterness that comes with those thoughts. I've been having them more and more as my birthday creeps up...
Here's the thing- ever hear of "The Secret"? While I think the book is lame the main idea is worth value.
You can't put out those vibes into the universe like that. IF you begin to belive that's really all that is out there for you then that's what it will be.
Don't give up your dreams so easily- don't give your life an expiration date like that.
It's not fair to you, the kid, the hubs and the rest of us who are rooting for you.
hugs...
Hey, how about a little optimism here? Who said you are doomed to a life of normalcy? Things in life don't always follow the "prescribed path" - in fact, most times they don't.
My stepdad was an immigrant in this country, met my mom in his forties, and had ZERO money. Now, twenty years later, he owns a successful business and they live a very comfortable life.
Same with H. When I met him, he was getting a divorce, and pretty much broke. His business had little tiny legs. Now he's doing great and making deals with big companies.
Truth is, you never know. Good karma and doing the right thing do go a long way.
Keep your head up! There is more to life than a lot of that material stuff, anyways.
everyone above makes great points...but really, being a mother and wife are probably the two most important things you (or me, or anyone else) can be. I think that's pretty effing amazing!
and who said normal is such a bad thing?? ;)
I have to echo That Girl....if you are raising a kind, compassionate, sweet boy who will become that as a man, you have succeeded where many have failed.
You always leave me blog comments that make my day, so I'm sure you do the same for many other people, either in real life or online.
But i know what you mean...sometimes I think the exact same thing.
ditto to what everyone said above! although you may not have hit certain markers yet in your life, it doesn't mean you won't, and it doesn't mean those things are necessary to being a truly magnificent, successful person! personally, i think you are incredible!
I thought this post was very powerful and echoed a lot of what I think most of us think every day. Thank you for putting words on "paper" and acknowledging it...and these comments are making me all teary. I think we all know you're pretty darn fantastical.
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