Looking back to the future

Do you remember back to when you were 18 years old? For some of you it wasn't that long ago. For others, like me, it might feel like an entire lifetime. So much has passed in 14 years that it's strange for me to even remember that time in my life. I'm going to dig through my memories and attempt to try...warning: this is a long one...

18 was a big deal. I celebrated my 18th birthday two days before I graduated high school. I no longer had a curfew and I was excited about going to college. My applications had been sent out long before and I was ready. I knew I couldn't afford to go anywhere "good" but I was excited about the thought of just going. I'd be heading to San Diego State and that was more than fine with me. Fresh out of high school and looking at the world through different eyes. I was naive in what was to come and what "the world" meant, but I was positive it'd be something good for me.

Hopeful and thinking the world had a future for me, I spent my summer enjoying my friends and having fun. I went on the Senior Trip to Puerto Vallarta, drank tequila for the first time, and made friends I would never talk to again after that week. It was as carefree a summer as many I'd had before that. I had fun. I was "legal", I had a car, and the world was my oyster.

When I got the letter it didn't really sink in right away. It took me a while to fully realize that my future wasn't going to be what I'd initially thought. It wasn't horrible news; just a very matter of fact kind of letter that spelled out what type of financial aid I could expect to receive for the upcoming school year. That was followed by another matter of fact letter that explained what I was expected to pay for the dorms. The two did not match up. Not even close. My expected aid didn't even cover the first semester. Shit.

I was going to learn that things don't always work out the way you'd hope. The hard way. There was no money to send me to college. My mom was struggling to pay the rent and keep a roof over our heads. I didn't know just how bad our situation was until a few months later. I didn't have a job and there was no guidance as to what could be done next. With no offers of money from anywhere I was stuck. At least I felt that way. I made the decision to enroll in Junior College and postpone my dreams of going to a "real" college for a year or two. This was the first stain on my pretty picture of life. Oh well, I handled it and moved on.

I started Super High School (JC), or the 13th grade as I liked to call it, and started working on adjusting to the freedom of setting your own schedule and having almost no responsibilities. This is a dangerous combo that eventually blew up in my face by the end of the first semester. Needless to say I didn't do well in all of my classes and faced academic probation. I know. Embarrassing. I realized what an idiot I was being and got my shit together pretty quickly. Scholastic crisis averted.

The next big stain on my picture came in the form of my home life. As I mentioned before, my mom was struggling. She never really let on as to just how much until it was too late. She sat my sister and I down for a talk one day. She told us she was behind in the rent and couldn't afford to catch up or move out to a new place. We were going to be technically homeless. If I remember correctly, she cried a little. My mom wasn't really a crier so I knew whatever she was feeling, it was bad. Obviously.

Basically the 3 of us wound up staying in separate places. My mom slept on a friend's couch, my sister went to stay with a friend, and I initially stayed at my boyfriend's place not too far away. I wanted to stay close because my mom was going to need to use my car for work since her car had called it quits. It seemed like a good solution at the time.

The story of this boyfriend is for another time and place, but needless to say it didn't work out. I was never really comfortable with the idea of being there to begin with. I left in a rush one day with my meager belongings stuffed in a large garbage bag and headed over to my friend, Curly's, house. She lived the closest and I couldn't really think of where else to go at the moment. After telling her only a little of what was going on, because I hadn't told anyone what happened with my mom before then, she talked to her Aunt Feffy about letting me stay with them for a while. They took me in. I had some place I could be and it felt good. I felt safe and comfortable.

You're probably wondering why I didn't get a job to help out. I tried that. I did odd jobs but never really made enough money to pay for more than gas and food. I was also trying to stay in school on a schedule that didn't allow for many hours at a job. My mom was using my car to get to her job so I was restricted on where I could go and what times I could get there. It was a tough time for all of us and I gave what I could. Thankfully the situation only lasted about 3 or 4 months.

My mom eventually got back on her feet and got another apartment. We moved back in together and sort of picked up where we left off. We never really talked about those few months and what happened. It has come up occasionally, but we never got in to the details or feelings of it. I knew she felt guilty enough without hearing about the crap we went through as a result. This was another stain on my 18th year that she didn't need to hear about. I was properly introduced to the unexpectedness that life can bring you and I was sure she'd already had her fair amount of encounters. She didn't need to suffer through mine too.

So why the long story? Well, I tell you all of this so you can understand just what it meant to me when Curly's Aunt, Titi Feffy as we call her, and her life partner lost their home in the Sylmar fire last weekend. It reminded me of a time in my life when I was without a home. It brought up the feelings and fears I had at 18 when life was supposed to be different than it was turning out to be, and I thought about sleeping in my car. It made me remember how they took me in and provided me a place to live so I wouldn't have to. At 18 I had a safety net taken away and last Saturday they did too. The life they were secure in was changed. I wish I could give them what they gave me. I don't think they'll ever really understand the impact they had on my life.

Photo courtesy of Daily News

Sadly, I can't give them a home. I can only give them what I have and I intend to do that to the best of my ability. A gift card to help buy clothes seems so small. It's what I've got for now though. I tried to spread the word that good people were in need and it seems to have worked. My mom remembers "that time" too and has stepped up to help. My dad has kicked in and he has no idea about those 4 months of my life. He just knows they are important to me. There have been other friends who know Curly or me that have donated toiletries, gift cards, money, and words of support too. I appreciate that more than I can express.

I know I've got a lot of crappy stuff going on with me right now, but I'm thankful. I'm thankful to have a place to live and I'm surrounded by good people. Like I said in my last post, other people have worse issues than me. I just have to remember, it could be worse and I've been through worse. I'm going to focus my energy on making it through and helping people who are going through worse things than I am. That way maybe we can all "make it".